Mail Call, Y’all

Oboy! Mail!

A Fool and His Money Department
First up, Lei Hwang. Poor fellah wants to give me 20 per cent of $35,500,000 . . . my goodness, that’s seven million clams! Why, that’d surely pay a few bills. Mr Hwang would like me to email his Yahoo China email address for more information on how I can a) help him move the funds from China, and b) collect my hard-earned percentage.

Apparently, the Nigerian Scam has moved eastward. I wonder if this development — worldwide competition in the extortion field — will result in changes to the tried-and-true text within the formula letter / email?

I mean, Charlie . . . sorry, ‘Charles’ . . . Brown’s offer of 35 per cent of $20,000,000 comes to the same figure, but wouldn’t you feel better scammed in the famed Nigerian Scam by a legitimate Nigerian?

As it stands, though, I needn’t help out disadvantaged criminals in Nigeria and China by sending them a comparitively small amount of money to receive seven million bucks; I seem to have won several lotteries.

Darned if I didn’t win GBP 860,641.28 in the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY (in draw #1046) held on “14th of December 2006”. I must contact Mr.David Nelson at his Yahoo UK address to get the ball rolling.

NOTE: ANY BREACH OF CONFIDENTIALITY ON THE PART OF ANY WINNER WILL RESULT TO DISQUALIFICATION!

“RESULT TO DISQUALIFICATION”? Oops. I breached. Nuts. There goes a perfectly good £860,641.28

“We wish you a hearthy congratulation once again.”

Fortunately, I won it again a few days later, though the chronology’s a bit confusing. This time, I lucked into £750,000 (in draw #963) held on “3rd January. 2007”.

Something must have happened to Mr David Nelson; I’m requested to send all sorts of personal information to “Mr. Collins John” at a different UK Yahoo address.

“The UK NATIONAL LOTTERY internet draw,” sez the email from coordinator “Saint Courage”, “is held once in a year and is so organized to encourage the use of the
internet and computers worldwide.”

We-e-ll, that “once a year” bit could prove problematic, ’cause “John Smith” informs me I won it yet again in draw #1152 held on “Saturday 06 January 2007” (“£2,500,000.00”, this time — whoo-hoo!), and I should contact “Robert Kings” with some personal information.

Lottery scams work along similar lines as the Nigerian Scam.

  1. Sucker is told he or she has big money coming
  2. To get the big money, sucker needs to send someone x dollars to “release the funds”
  3. Given that the x dollars is in the hundreds or the thousands, and the “funds” just aching to be “released” are in the hundreds of thousands (or millions) of dollars, sucker thinks this is a great deal.
  4. Sucker finds out the only funds released were those she or he sent the criminals.

Now, you would think that no-one would fall for this, given how long the general scam’s been bilking bucks from bozos, but there appears to be no shortage of bozos.

Take — f’rinstance — Alcona County (Michigan) treasurer Thomas Katona, who recently sent his life savings — and possibly over a quarter of the county’s annual budget — off to Nigeria. Mr Katona is currently in jail (he can’t afford the US$1 million bond) awaiting a hearing tomorrow.

Say . . . doesn’t Michigan have a state lottery?